my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
