my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
