i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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