im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
