I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
