There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
