shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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