Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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