I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
