oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
