Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
