The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
