I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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