My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
