If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
