I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
