Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
