I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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