The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
