sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
