Did I show you my penis last night?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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