Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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