i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
