Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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