is your mom at the bar?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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