we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
jump out the window naked night went bad
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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