Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
one might say we're banned from that church
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
