I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
