I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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