My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
