He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
