Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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