Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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