I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
