woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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