Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
