I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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