I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
