my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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