My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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