I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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