Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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