there's paper in my vomit.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
