you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm really busy with my period
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