I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So here I am, sexting at work.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
