Banned from zoo.
Again?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
