Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
