I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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