Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
