I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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