It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
