you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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