i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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