if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
