okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
